Tonight I decided to have a listen to CBC Radio 3′s podcast that was an International Women’s Day Special edition. As I listened to the songs in a different setting (a podcast on the computer instead of just another song on my ipod) I paid close attention to one Sarah Harmer lyric that always stuck with me from the song “Silverado”, which is the title of this blog post (if you minus the 20-year-old).
I feel that due to my head-in-the-clouds kind of attitude I will always be a sucker for those dreams. Yet, I can’t help but wonder: “When will I lose that constant optimism for an amazing life?” When will I fade out and think, “Oh. Shit. Guess I have to grow up now and forget about all those things I wanted to do.” Will that actually happen? I don’t know. I see a lot of parents and adults who view my 20-something life with a certain twinge of jealousy, wishing that they did things differently. There are so many songs, poems, etc that express this feeling of nostalgia when they write about how optimistic and carefree they once were in their 20′s. I want to ask them, “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! How did you let this happen?!? Were you held by gunpoint?!?”
It scares the crap out of me. Do I have some sort of disorder that derives from a Peter Pan style syndrome?
Will middle age be a testament to my lack of conviction or the slow, crippling addition of realism? Could it be both? I guess it could be if you choose to let it come down to that. Perhaps I am reading into far too many depressing 1950′s era stories of suburbia (i.e. Revolutionary Road). One thought that Sylvia Plath wrote in her journal resonates perfectly with my fears of growing older.
“What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle-age.”
Fading out. Indifferent. Robotic. Settling.
Settle, in a warped way, is a comforting word. To me, if I think about that word and what it first meant to me, it reminds me of pioneer settlers establishing a home in the middle of the praries (Laura Ingalls Wilder, what up). To settle now is a comfort because you no longer have to place yourself in an uncomfortable position. If someone settles with a relationship or a job they can basically lose themselves in it because their basic attitude is “Meh, it can’t get any better, right?” At least, that’s what I interpret settling to be at this moment in time.
So there’s settling which can be intermixed with lack of conviction.
A past example of my lack of convication begins at the age of 14 when I declared my undying love for Linkin Park and that I would love them FOREVER. My dad proceeded to chuckle while I, slightly upset at his amused reaction to my gravely serious proclamation, promised myself to indeed remain true to my word. Fast forward to now and I do not really care about Linkin Park anymore. However, I recognize that they will always have a little place in my heart because of their comforting presence during my angst-y teenage years. Does that count as a lack of conviction or just an unconscious acceptance of the present?
Will middle age complacency creep up on me like a kidnapper wielding a chloroform soaked cloth? (Yeah, it’s slightly over-dramatic but I really wanted to use that analogy.)
I really have no clue. All I know is that I don’t want to fade out and give up; something I’ve seen many adults do.
So, I’ll just listen to Metric’s “Twilight Galaxy” and hope that I never stop doing it wrong and keep singing along.
Did they tell you, you should grow up when you wanted to dream?
Did they warn you, better shape up if you want to succeed?
I don’t know about you, who are they talking to?
They aren’t talking to me…
(This alien gibberish below takes away from my awesome ending so just try to ignore it. I’m too tired to get rid of it at the moment.)
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